I have been really struggling to sleep properly recently even though I am absolutely shattered every night and every time I do fall asleep I seem to be right in the middle of some action packed dream which makes no sense at all! No wonder I'm exhausted every morning when all night, I've been saving the world and everything else you can possibly think of! I wake up feeling like I have done all the things I've dreamt about!
Anyway, last night was particularly annoying- I had dream after dream that the phone was ringing with my call for my transplant. It's the first time I have dreamt about it- Im actually surprised at how calm I've been since I became active on the waiting list. I know it is highly unlikely I will be called so early on in my wait but I did think I would be more panicky about it all. However, last night everytime the phone rang in my dreams I woke up and wasn't quite sure if it had really happened and it was very unsettling!
I think it's my mind realising how much I just want to get on with it all- I'm terrified of what the operation and the first few months will be like but I know I have to go through that before I can even think about being normal again and doing everything I keep hoping for, and the sooner it starts- the sooner it's over! Some days I don't feel ready to face it at all but most of the time now I am sick of being ill and just want that phone to ring!
Think I had better get used to waiting though- so many people wait far too long for that right donor- why should I be any different? I think I would actually feel guilty if I queue jumped other people who have been so desperately waiting for a year or more but I guess it can't work like that and I don't think I can wait too long- my last lung function was down to 17%.